Sugar Rules

Celebrity reality shows are all the rage now, apparently, according to my great-grand daughter, with Celebrity Big Brother in full swing and The Jump about to unleash it’s wrath upon the celeb community by culling a few of the less deserving entertainers. The premise behind the celeb versions of any show seems to be that it is far more watchable if you recognise the contestants, a strange premise, given that I never recognise most of the Big Brother or I’m A Celeb participants. This, however, does not always apply to quiz shows for some reason where the rules are;

1.       Individual quizzes do not necessarily require celebrities to make them interesting.

2.       Panel games must NOT feature members of the public

3.       Unless it’s Only Connect, which must NOT feature celebrities

Basically, TV likes to show people you recognise doing something with which you don’t usually associate them, but it will tolerate people you have never seen before being very very clever or extremely stupid. The very clever ones have to be viewed in the evening on University Challenge and Mastermind, while the stupid ones must be aired during the day (Tipping Point), except on Channel 4 (Countdown). Yes, it’s complicated but Telly knows what it’s doing so just go with it.

What is absolutely forbidden, however, are programmes that feature people making important lifestyle changes but are NOT celebrities. It is, apparently ‘bad TV’ to show 7 overweight people giving up sugar and refined carbs and discovering a new and healthier lifestyle unless those people are vaguely familiar to the general viewing public.

Sugar Free Farm is currently following some familiar faces as they endure three weeks in an all-inclusive resort where they are fed only good things to eat whilst observing ordinary people working hard. Part of the fun is watching the famous fatties become unwell as they withdraw from the drug they have become so dependent on. After two days Peter Davidson, ex Dr.Who and TV Vet, started to get dizzy spells and felt exhausted. Medics were called an immediately hospitalised him for observation. News spread around the farm like diarrhoea on a cruise ship and the very wisdom of doing without 6 Mars bars in your tea was brought into question. The resident nutritionist was interrogated and asked to justify the continuation of the experiment of trying to encourage Alison Hammond to stop eating 7 Galaxies per day. Anne Widdecombe was unconvinced by the diet and vowed to resume consumption of 12 loaves of white bread per week as soon as she could. Nobody ever considered that the 60 year old, overweight Dr.Pete felt exhausted because he was asked to spend seven hours mending fences around the farm after a breakfast of liquidised grass and some bird-seed. Still, Peter soon returned after some R & R in hospital and Big Mac on the motorway services and was back on the funny farm.

The next day, in order to increase their intake of Omega 3, three of the celebs went fishing in the farm river where they were tutored in the art of catching fresh trout. To try and build tension, the voice over informed us that, “Joe (Pasquale) is their last hope of eating fish for supper tonight.” Unlike the jungle programme Joe was last featured on, if he failed this task he would not simply have to survive under canvass fuelled by nothing other than a Wallaby testicle, he would receive instead a freshly made omelette and a comfy bed. Fortunately, he did land a catch but, unfortunately, it was too small to ethically take home and cook so it was returned to the river. Empty handed, the three intrepid hunters returned where they were forced to eat a salad of home grown vegetables and free range eggs – surely someone would crack under this pressure.

Disaster, of course, was just around the corner. After spending the morning in the kitchen, shaking a jar of fresh milk until the curd separated from the whey (eh?) she stooped to pick up what she thought was a Twix from the floor. On hauling her 23 stone body back into the upright position she reported feeling a little dizzy. Cut to the next scene and an ambulance was shown, horns blaring and lights flashing, crashing through one of the newly-repaired fences to her aid – at least that’s what I saw. A paramedic was shown taking blood pressure and talking sincerely to her about the possibility of type 2 diabetes. He would have to take a blood sample. A small pin-prick was applied to her thumb, inducing a pained scream, and a smear of blood was extracted. Diabetics do this about 4 times a day but for Alison, it was trauma beyond words. The medic reported sugar levels of 6.5 and said that it was ‘borderline’. Given that levels should be between 5.5 and 7.5 I would call it ‘normal’ and add, ‘lose about 12 stone and you may be able to bend over without the need for medical treatment’  but then I am no paramedic, dealing with a precious celebrity.  

Good news followed after a visit to hospital where she was checked for signs of Diabetes and results were returned as ‘normal’ (old you). However, Alison said that she would ‘do anything’ to avoid the misery of the condition, suffered by her mother, sister and brother so avowed to continue the sugar-free lifestyle. You would think that such a revelation would have occurred to her when she smashed her first set of bathroom scales but, no, the epiphany had to be delivered by a celebrity nutritionist on a celebrity reality show. At least some good came out of the format.